For those who do not know, in June 2007 I was suddenly diagnosed with stage IV Kidney cancer which had spread to one spot on my lung. My kidney with its large tumor, and a small section of my lung, were removed at that time. I took chemo for a year to hopefully prevent a recurrence. I have had routine follow-up scans to watch for a recurrence, which have been all clear for almost 4 years. In April, the CT scan showed 3 small spots on my lungs, as well as 2 'ditzels' (too small to measure). I was devastated!
This Monday, I had a 3 month repeat CT scan at Lankenau. Monday evening my family doctor intercepted the report and called and left a short message, "Karen, the nodules are stable, this is very good news!". That was an initial help from my MAJOR anxiety that had been building for the last three months!
I saw my oncologist at Penn Thursday afternoon. I was hoping she would say, "Ok, since the spots did not change, they 'definitely' are not cancer". Of course she didn't say that! Well, she said they PROBABLY are not cancer. The chances are better and better that they are not cancer every time we scan and they have not grown. But, really, who knows? They might be cancer that is dormant / indolent, which might never grow, might be attacked and shrunken by my own immune system, might stay this size forever.... might.... might ..... might..... Or, they could be scarring from reflux or an allergy or a fungal infection, or a cause we will never know.
Lung nodules of this small size are not that uncommon in the general population. They are too small to even be seen on x-ray. Only CT scans would have picked them up. In those with no cancer history, they would be of little concern and would only receive follow-up 12-18 months later. But, of course I am at high risk, so we will keep watching to see what they do. So, another CT scan in 4 months, and on we go, spreading out the interval between scans if they do not change, treating them if they do change.
So I am trying to go back to the "get on with your life until told otherwise" approach that I WAS in up until the April scans threw me for a loop. :-/
The last three months of waiting were very hard! FEAR really tried to overtake me. I wanted to be ready to accept bad news, and ready to rejoice in good news, and it is really HARD to be in both those places emotionally at the same time. God, in His providence, provided many 'distractions' to keep my from being overwhelmed by fear, including an imploded water heater which flooded our family room and schoolroom on May 13th. It was a blessing in disguise, really. Homeowners insurance reimbursed us for all the removal of carpet and potentially wet drywall, trim and insulation, and the repairs. We had been having trouble with the drainage from the washer and basement shower and so since all the rest was ripped out, Charles started jack-hammering the basement floor out until he found and repaired a large section of sewer pipe from the laundry room and bathroom and redid the concrete over it all (32 bags of concrete on a Saturday - we know how to have a fun 'date night'.... yikes!) Anyway my house is torn apart and furniture from family room is stashed in every other part of the house until we can finish all this work! But, it did take my mind off my cancer scare a bit! Thank you Lord!
THANK YOU for praying for me through this difficult time! Please keep praying, of course I want these spots not to be cancer, and hopefully they are not. But I really need to learn to live each day not knowing, but trusting that God is God no matter what. I know He can choose to heal me from cancer forever, or allow chemo to be a part of my life for a long time, or allow the cancer to take me to heaven, and I want to be faithful to Him no matter what He allows. Still, fear is a battle that goes on in my heart and I would love to win that battle! My ladies' Bible Study topic this week was on fear - how about that! Guess He really wants me to learn this lesson!
Love
Karen
Joshua 1:9 "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go."
